Request Newsletter | Bridal Online Website | Return To Main Page
| |
| |
|
Marriage & Wedding Information |
|
|
|
Marriage Advice: Seven Marriage Myths You Can't Afford to Ignore
If you're like most people, you probably entered into marriage with a number of unchallenged assumptions in place. These assumptions may have been about what marriage is and entails, about love, or about your spouse. While you may have already bumped into reality concerning some of your assumptions, you still may be operating with others firmly in place. Why should you be concerned if this is the case? Because what you aren't aware of can blindside you down the marital road, that's why. Life throws in enough surprises on its own, so you don't want to be caught off guard unnecessarily. The following misguided assumptions can get you into trouble in your marriage. Review them for a quick reality check: 1. You should always feel loving toward your spouse. It's not realistic to think that you'll always have loving feelings toward your spouse. There are occasions when Lee and I are upset with each other and we don't like each other very much. We may have to make an effort to remind ourselves of the other person's positive traits. At those times, we know that underneath all of our upset feelings we still love each other, but the predominant feelings we're experiencing are anger and hurt. And it's difficult to feel loving when you're frustrated, feeling resentful, or harboring anger toward your spouse. That's when it's vitally important to clear the air as soon as possible so you can be in harmony with your spouse and get those loving feelings back. 2. Love should consistently feel the same way. Feelings vary in intensity over time. It's just not possible to experience forever the ecstatic feelings that can be there when a relationship is new and you've just fallen in love. At that time, every sensation is ultra intense and heightened. But the feelings associated with the initial or honeymoon period of every relationship eventually change. Love deepens and grows in different ways. Of course, there are still wonderful high's, but there are other feelings in the cycle of love that you also experience-a rhythmic waning and waxing of desire, the enjoyment of companionship, and the comfortableness of knowing someone well and sharing a history together. Love has many faces and produces a variety of feelings during a marriage. 3. Your spouse should just "know" what you need without you having to tell him or her. It's not unusual to feel that if your spouse really loved you, he or she would somehow be aware of your needs and desires without having to ask you. But in reality, most of us do rather poorly when we try to second guess someone else or try to "read their mind." This particular assumption leads to many hurt feelings in a marriage. "He should have known that I wouldn't want to celebrate my birthday with his family." Or "She should have known that all I wanted from her was a little understanding and sympathy." When this happens, spouses often erroneously conclude that their spouse must not love them or they would have been more tuned in to their wishes and needs. But the responsibility to let your spouse know what you need and want ultimately rests on you. Give your partner feedback and clues so he or she can have the information needed to make different choices. 4. If you really love each other, keeping a loving relationship shouldn't take much work. I've heard this or statements similar to this numerous times. But the sobering reality is that relationships always take a lot of work. It's a challenge to keep the communication channels clear of debris and residue from disagreements. It takes time and effort to follow up by checking with the other person to be sure that things aren't building up under the surface and that everything is truly okay now. This process can be compared to housecleaning. You can clean the house one week, but by the next week it needs cleaning again. It's a constant cycle-the same is true in a marriage relationship. What you ignore doesn't just go away; it stays right where it is, waiting for more dust or debris to collect on top of it. 5. Being married lets you off the hook in the romance department and sets you up in the sex department. This assumption has tripped many spouses up. As a counselor, many times I've heard the statement, "But I thought now that we're married, I didn't have to do all of that romantic stuff I used to do." Often this is said when the marriage problems are already serious and the marriage is in crisis. It just makes good sense to take the offensive and make the effort to find ways to be romantic throughout your marriage. If you do, you'll be accumulating those "good will" bank deposits or "brownie points" that Lee likes to talk about. And as for thinking that marriage assures you of unlimited great sex without any extra effort on your part, that's a fantasy. Emotional intimacy sets the stage for great sex and depends on good communication, plus a host of other qualities such as sensitivity and empathy, all of which take work. 6. Your spouse will speak up and tell you if he or she is unhappy in the marriage. This is an assumption which has been the undoing of many marriages. The reality is that numerous spouses are uncomfortable with anger and are afraid that expressing it will damage the relationship. So they try to bury their feelings and pretend that everything is okay. It pays to be observant and pay attention to your spouse's tone of voice and non-verbal communication. It also pays to learn to disagree without attacking each other and to be respectful even when you don't understand how your spouse could possibly have such odd ideas. When you create a safe environment for discussing your real feelings, you increase the likelihood that your spouse will gain the courage to share from the heart with you. You can help this process by taking the lead in making yourself vulnerable by sharing your real feelings in a respectful way. 7. The commitment expressed in your wedding vows is enough to sustain your relationship. The commitment you made to your spouse and marriage on your wedding day was certainly important-and it counts for a lot. But it's not enough. It's all-too-easy to treat the marriage commitment as a one-time thing, when the reality is that a satisfying, healthy relationship requires daily commitment-over and over again, day by day. It's similar to what individuals do who are successful in 12-step programs for sobriety-they recommit to their sobriety each day. The recovering alcoholic may say, "Just for today, I'm sober, with God's help." The spouse with a successful marriage makes a daily commitment, also, even if it's unspoken-"Today I will honor my marriage and be the best supportive partner I can be." It's that level of daily dedication and commitment that makes the difference in marriages that make it and those that don't. Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.
MORE RESOURCES:
Wedding - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Faulty Expectations: 4 Essential Don'ts The more realistic you are as you prepare for marriage, the more likely you are to have a successful one. Therefore, it is incumbent upon you to give serious consideration to your expectations of your fiancé. Ten Beliefs That Can Contribute to an Unhappy Marriage Have you ever wondered why your marriage isn't happier? If so, you're not alone. Numerous spouses are struggling with the same question. What Is A Destination Wedding Dress? Just as destination weddings are fast growing in popularity, so are destination wedding dresses.What exactly is a destination wedding dress? It is a trendy, sensible, cost effective alternative to the traditional wedding gown. What Goes Into Wedding Preparation From Your DJ? Exactly what should your disc jockey be doing in the weeks/months prior to your wedding? If you think that they just show up at your reception and are ready to go - you've missed out on what they've been doing to prepare.Typically, your DJ will meet you during the sales stage of things - you get to know him, they get to know what you are looking for. Wedding and Bridal Jewelry So your not one of those fabulous actresses or models who has the luxury of the finest gems and diamonds being loaned to them by the likes of Harry Wintson.No matter, you can add a little sparkle and look extra-ordinaire in your gown on your wedding day. Wedding Planning: Prioritize to Stay Within Your Wedding Budget So you're planning your wedding and a thousand decisions must be made! It can be an exciting, but tiring experience to pull off the wedding of your dreams, especially within your budget.The best way to evaluate how and where to allocate your wedding budget is to determine exactly what your priorities are. The Brides Greatest Ally On Friday, 1st May 1835, Mr Charles Dickens, the creator of "David Copperfield" and "Please, sir, can I have some more?" was the happiest of mortals. He had proposed and had been accepted. A Wedding Shower Checklist Bridal showers are one of many pre-wedding parties and are great fun. They are known as parties with a purpose. Considering Success in Marriage Your success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and constructive attitudes toward love. For Americans, this can be difficult. Top 10 Wedding Decoration Budget Tips When it comes to choosing your wedding decorations, you must decide on your theme. Once you have done this, you can then make your decisions about the budget that you will have. What You Should Know About Buying Engagement Rings Online Buying engagement rings online doesn't have to be confusing or intimidating. In fact, the nice thing about shopping online is that you can browse several online stores without the hassle of traveling from store to store listening to endless sales pitches. Choosing your Wedding Favors How do you give thanks and make a lasting impression on your guest? The answer is simple, with a wedding favor. A wedding favor is a small token of appreciation for your guest to treasure and remember your special wedding day. Finding the Perfect Bridesmaid Gift The bridesmaid gift is essential to the planning of a wedding. While many may believe that a wedding is all about the bride, it is still important to show appreciation to your bridesmaids. Marriage Advice: Ten Danger Signals to Watch for in Your Marriage Healthy marriages require time, attention, energy, and vigilance. It's not realistic to think that you can have a super marriage without effort on your part. The Key to the Perfect Wedding There are many answers to this question, it all depends on who you ask. We all dream about our perfect wedding but each of us may hold a different view of what makes it perfect. Signature Frames - Your Guestbook and Wedding Frame Together At Last! So you have been invited to a wedding. Whether you are a friend, family member or the proud parents, one of the most important, if not stressful decisions is what to buy the new couple. Secrets of a Happy Marriage My husband and I have a perfect marriage.There. 5 Tips To Keep Marital Bliss Alive After You Retire! Let's face it retirement is a time of great transition for spouses. Ample free time and drastic lifestyle changes can be a burden or a blessing for your marriage. Fiji Honeymoon Vacations If you are looking forward to a vacation of attractive rainforest, pine, scenic tall mountains and miles of warm sandy beaches, Fiji honeymoon vacations are just what you need. This island archipelago wonderland consists of 330 islands scattered across 200,000 square miles of ocean, several thousand of which are just too small for human habitation. Extreme Age Differences In Marriage Can Lead To Infidelity "Extreme age differences between husband and wife may lead to infidelity" says author and infidelity expert, Ruth Houston, who was recently quoted in an article in First magazine. Houston's comments were included in the sidebar of an article in the May issue of First entitled "The Surprising Way Women Are Turning Back the Clock," which discusses the pros and cons of marriages and relationships in which the woman is considerably older or younger than the man.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
